Change is Inevitable, Yet we Still Sometimes Question

This is the longest I have gone without publishing, but it’s not because I haven’t been riding or writing. I have started a few ramblings over the past several months but never felt led to complete them or publish them so those still sit in the drafts folder for now. The past 11 months have been full of changes, challenges, and many lessons learned. There’s been death, sickness, renewed relationships, job changes, and new friendships. As I rode recently and was looking at the leaves that are changing colors again they reminded me of the cycle of life and that change is always happening. The leaves become beautiful as they change, and yet the tree soon becomes naked and barren which shows that some changes can be beautiful and kind of ugly at the same time. The same is true in our lives, some changes are wonderful and others seem almost unbearable.

Have you ever thought that there was something you truly wanted to have happen and couldn’t understand why it didn’t? Then maybe later it did happen and it was not at all how you expected it to be? That has been the case for me recently. There was a place I had been volunteering at for 8-9 years and part of me believed I truly wanted to work there full time and not just volunteer. The opportunity arose, I prayed about it and I went for it. I know that God put me there, it’s the only way it would have fallen into place the way it did. I believed it was going to be for long term, but it was not to be. I struggled after several months wondering if He still wanted me there or if it was time to again move on and if so, then why did He have me there at all. One day as I was really struggling for an answer, I had a revelation from Him. I’d gotten out of my car and I had been listening to the radio trying to discern what He wanted me to do. As I got back in the car and started to leave to run to the bank with my check, my CD player was playing, not the radio. The CD had been in there for quite some time and I had listened to it probably 100 times over the past several years. The song that was immediately playing I didn’t recall every really hearing, at least I never truly heard the words to it until that day if I had heard it. While I drove to the bank I cried as I listened to the words as they spoke to my heart. The song is, Where You Begin, by Mandisa. Part of the lyrics are as follows:

“Today I need You
Just to get through
Today I’m breaking
Under the weight of it all
And I’m afraid I might fall
Today I’m empty
But I am willing
To keep listening
And looking for You in the noise
For Your quiet voice

Are You telling me to go?
Are You telling me to stay?
Are You telling me to hold on to You for another day?
‘Cause I got nothing left
And I’m hanging by a thread
I give You all my weakness, You give me
Your strength
‘Cause I’m here again,
Here at my end
Where You begin”

I cried like a baby all the way to the bank. I then pulled in to a parking place, listened again and cried some more. As I returned to work and listened to it on repeat all the way back the tears continued to flow. I couldn’t get the words out of my head and as the day and evening progressed I knew what I had to do. That evening I completed my timesheet, I gathered my personal belongings and I left knowing it would be the last time I was there. Reflecting back I wanted to figure out why God led me there and why it was not the experience I had expected. Much of it was so different as a staff than as a volunteer, and yet part of it was exactly the same.

I absolutely loved the summer camps that we did and will forever cherish the memories of several of the children I was allowed to witness have an amazing time, in spite of their disabilities. I saw a child with Down Syndrome walk over to the cross, spread out his arms like Jesus and even lift one leg partially up as Jesus is portrayed in pictures hanging on the cross. He told me he needed to get higher on the cross, he wanted to be on the cross beams just as Jesus had been. I witnessed children who at the beginning of the week seemed angry and unwilling to participate in the songs of chapel who by the end of the week were standing in front of the chapel and doing every motion to the songs as they sang about God, their creator. I experienced the thrill of being able to help young camp counselors find ways to better understand their campers’ different learning styles and then watch them form a bond with them that I’m sure they will never forget. I believe as they later come in contact with others who may have similar disabilities, the lessons they learned at camp will help them to then help others.

I realized the part that was different was that I had inappropriately put too much confidence and belief in someone who was not who I thought they were. I had placed them “higher” than I should have, and that was my fault. I don’t regret a single moment spent there over the past 9+ years, but hearing the song I knew that this season of my life was ending and it was time to move on. I firmly believe the only way for God to make me see that was to experience exactly what I did as a volunteer and then as a staff. Sometimes He can close doors softly and we get the message, other times he has to slam it shut before we get the message He is trying to send us. Once I made the decision and resigned I felt a peace that passes all understanding. I am totally okay with this chapter being closed as much as I enjoyed most of it and feel no need to look back. When we follow His leading, there is no doubt and there is complete peace.

Since leaving, I have been able to do things for my family and friends that I never could have done if I was still working there. Looking back, I see now why I felt the need to learn how to do certain things with the encouragement of my husband over that past few years. I know now why I made many choices that I did, although at the time I had no idea why I was making them, other than I felt He was telling me to. God was preparing me for this time long before I knew it was coming. By following His prompting, I am now in a position to be able to do His work without fear or a feeling of urgency to move on to the next “job”. He has always provided for us and I know He will continue to do so as long as we follow His lead. I recently found an envelope with my name on it in a drawer while looking for something else and there was a “surprise” inside. I don’t recall exactly where I got it, I have convinced myself where it may have come from but in reality I’m not 100% sure. The truth is I can question it all day long and it really doesn’t matter in the end, it was a blessing regardless of where it came from. It was another sign from God that I am exactly where He wants me to be at this time. I have no idea how long I will be in this season and it honestly doesn’t matter. He knows how long and He knows where I will go next and that’s all that matters. As the song says, where He leads me I will follow, I’ll go with Him all the way.

As we now enter the Christmas season, it’s time to really concentrate on family and the reason for the season. Some of us have experienced loss of family members and friends and this will be the first Christmas without them. Others of us may share this Christmas with loved ones and friends for the last time. Some of us may share this Christmas for the first time with loved ones and friends. Whatever the case may be, remember He alone is the reason for this season and look for the beauty and happiness, not the ugly or sadness. Focus on those we’re able to celebrate with and remember the happy times with those we can’t be with. Change is inevitable and leads to questions, but it can also lead to peace and beauty. I hope to write again soon, God bless and Merry Christmas to you all!