In a world full of social media and constant access to it, we can become so focused on it that we lose ourselves. There is such an overwhelming amount of YouTube channels and other platforms to subscribe to it’s honestly mind blowing. I admit I have several YouTube channels I follow, mostly on homesteading and different preachers/pastors. I get some wonderful information from them, but recently I realized I also can have unrealistic expectations from watching them as well, especially from the homesteading type channels.
I want so badly to be able to grow a lot of my own food and preserve it. I start out great, then life happens and I’m not able to keep up with it and I feel like a failure. Others may then see what’s happened to it and start to criticize or question why I let it happen and it becomes a downward spiral of negativity.
The fact is, most of those I watch doing this are doing it full time. They don’t work another job full time in addition so they can put in the time required to properly weed, water, fertilize and pick things at just the right time. Some may even have others that help them with it all.
Reality is, we see what they choose to let us see. It’s possible they too may have garden areas that become out of control or not productive and just don’t share that. I know for me this past year, my garden areas started out beautiful. Things were producing well and weeds were under control, then once again life happened.
We grew up growing vegetables and all 3 of us kids planted, weeded and harvested and mom preserved it, mostly by freezing, and she made pickles to last through the winter. I’ve recently realized that the past several years, one of the reasons and joys of my gardening was to be able to share the pictures and updates of it with my mom. She was always asking how different things were doing and what I’d been planting, picking, eating, canning etc. I would tell her that the weeds were starting to creep in or that I wanted to get this or that done, and she’d gently remind me that it was ok. She’d tell me to be sure to not let it get me overwhelmed due to everything else I had on my plate to do in addition to the garden. “You can’t do it all” she’d say so “Be thankful for what you can do.” She would constantly remind to make time to rest, something I’m not very good at.
This summer things were producing quite well, especially considering how hot it had been. I was keeping it watered and weeded and was harvesting cucumbers, okra, squash and tomatoes and sharing the news with her. Then once again reality hit. One day after I got home from work there was a storm coming with strong winds so I quickly closed up the greenhouse and waited to see what the damage would be. The wind didn’t affect the greenhouse, but my bed of okra was blown over every which way and I honestly just gave up on it and the rest of that part of the garden. There was still a chance to save some of it, but the desire just wasn’t there. At this point mom had declined to the point she couldn’t see pictures I tried to share very well and the questions about updates in the garden stopped coming.
I know she would have again said it’s ok, but nothing about it feels ok. I no longer had her to share the pictures and updates with and it all seemed like it was just too much. I know it seems like a waste to others and makes no sense, but it’s my reality.
Do I regret not keeping it up? Yes, every time I look at it. It’s become an ugly mess that I know I’ll need to clean up soon. That too is like our own lives. We often makes messes we have to try to clean up and it’s not as easy as cleaning up an overgrown garden. We can have regrets that we can’t fix and some that we can attempt to make better but not truly fix.
The reality is, life, like gardens can be messy and we all have regrets. I’ve heard some people say they have no regrets but I don’t believe that. Have they really never done or said anything they regret? I don’t think so, not if they’re truly honest with themselves. Even as children we say things we later wish we hadn’t said. I know I regret things I’ve said and choices I’ve made and a couple of those choices haunt me daily. They’re not things I can fix now. I know they’re a part of who I am, but I can’t help but wonder what if I had chosen things differently. The only thing to do is move forward, try to do better, and ask God to help us do just that. Without His help, nothing gets better.
The garden will get cleaned up and I’ll do it all again next year, hopefully better than this year. I’ll have life decisions to make, and again hopefully I’ll do better. The pressures to not make mistakes and to do our best are the goal, but reality is we sometimes just mess up. I’m thankful for a God who can forgive those mistakes if we ask Him to and who also will help us to make better choices if we follow His lead and not our own.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
John 15: 1-8
1 “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser.
2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.
3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.
4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.
5 I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.
6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned.
7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.
8 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.”
Ramblings of a Christian Grandma Biker 